New Rules for Old Farts

If you remember when health insurance was optional, you are an old fart.

If you are polite to strangers, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever changed a typewriter ribbon, you are an old fart.

If there was only one fat kid in your class, you are an old fart.

If you think “Occupy” is a verb and not a noun, you are an old fart.

If you just want to be left alone, you are an old fart.

If you remember when only sailors had tattoos, you are an old fart.

If you remember when civil rights meant equal rights, not reverse discrimination, you are an old fart.

If you’ve never uploaded naked photographs of yourself, you are an old fart.

If you know how to spell, you are an old fart.

If you ever waited to hear your favorite song on the radio, you are an old fart.

If you remember when being radical meant hating the government, rather than relying on it, you are an old fart.

If you know how to get there better than that GPS contraption, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever felt shame, you are an old fart.

If you still feel a twinge of dread seeing a phone number with a lot of “9”s and “0”s, you are an old fart.

If you think a nice warm day is just a nice warm day and not proof of impending doom, you are an old fart.

If you ever paid for your own condoms, you are an old fart.

If you know how to fix mechanical devices, you are an old fart.

If the phrase “turn of the century” makes you think of the year 1900, you are an old fart.

If you had a blue mohawk in 11th grade, you are an old fart.

If you remember when Top Gun actually sat in the plane, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever bought something with cash, you are an old fart.

If you don’t go all the way on the first date, you are an old fart.

If you remember when being a Democrat meant being anti-communist, you are an old fart.

If you remember when “books” were made of paper, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever played pinball, you are an old fart.

If you remember when sex scandals would ruin a starlet’s career, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever gotten on an airplane without first being searched, you are an old fart.

If you even know the meaning of the word “bipartisan,” you are an old fart.

If you you don’t have a Facebook page, you are an old fart.

If you do have a MySpace page, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever used the word “gay” to mean carefree or joyous, you are an old fart.

If you still haven’t scraped that “I believe you Anita!” sticker off your bumper, you are an old fart.

If you kept a few leftover French francs and German marks the last time you visited Europe, you are an old fart.

If you think self-esteem is earned rather than a birthright, you are an old fart.

If you remember when the media at least pretended to be impartial, you are an old fart.

If you ever ate at Sambo’s, you are an old fart.

If you still have some bell-bottom pants way back in your closet from the first time they were cool , you are an old fart.

If you remember when every quarter had an eagle on the back, you are an old fart.

If you hold the door open for ladies, you are an old fart.

If you remember when tech support answered without an accent, you are an old fart.

If you can’t remember why you used to laugh at the phrase “You bet your sweet bippy,” you are an old fart.

If you remember when being on welfare was embarrassing, you are an old fart.

If you know what VHS stands for, you are an old fart.

If you admire successful people, you are an old fart.

If you know what “the blue dress” refers to, you are an old fart.

If a teacher ever smacked you on the knuckles with a ruler, you are an old fart.

If you ever paid for pornography, you are an old fart.

If you think school should be taught in English, you are an old fart.

If you still think music comes on these black vinyl disks called “records,” you are an old fart.

If you played with toy guns when you were a kid

, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever visited a public library, you are an old fart.

If you remember when Apple was a small struggling company, you are an old fart.

If your debate coach taught you to see both sides of an argument, you are an old fart.

If you still have some of those 8-track tapes in the garage, you are an old fart.

If you love your country, you are an old fart.

If you remember when budgets were measured in billions, not trillions, you are an old fart.

If you want to go back to measuring budgets in billions like we used to, you are really an old fart.

If you remember when campus revolutionaries fought against The Man, and weren’t yet The Man themselves, you are an old fart.

If you’d welcome a death panel at this stage, frankly, you are an old fart.